Tips to Improve Your Marriage Today (Part 1)
One of the major themes or core reasons why marriages don’t work or are rocky is because couples aren’t living life or doing life together. They are are “two ships passing in the night”.
In couples counseling, we help couples get to the heart of their relationships. Past trauma, infidelity, resentment, and poor communication can all lead to the crumbling of a meaningful relationship. When you employ a counselor to assist you in saving one of the most important relationships, you will learn how to strengthen your friendship within your relationship, establish healthy boundaries, improve communication, and manage conflict in positive ways.
Here are some ways you can improve your marriage or relationship today! It’s not a comprehensive list, but it’s a great start for anyone who wants to learn to be a better partner to their spouse.
Start Using the Eight Feelings Words
Hurt, Sad, Lonely, Angry, Fear, Shame, Guilt, Glad are the core eight feelings words to practice to improve communication and deepen the relationship intimacy level. Here’s how we use them: “I feel [INSERT A CORE FEELING] when [INSERT A BEHAVIOR OR EVENT]. I need [EXPRESS A NEED, FOR EXAMPLE: ATTENTION, SUPPORT, GUIDANCE, ETC.]. Avoid using words that have multiple meanings, such as frustrated or upset.
It may feel awkward or wrong at first and simple, but these are the simplest terms given to us by God to be able to effectively communicate within our relationships. The simplicity of them helps to eliminate misunderstandings.
Learn Humility
Learning to be humble is so powerful and is a great act of love. Learning to admit when we are wrong and how to properly apologize is key to a successful marriage. It shows our partner that we care about them, we value what they say, and gives us opportunity to be vulnerable to the other person. Humbling ourselves to the person we cherish most in our lives show our partner that winning is not more important than understanding their perspective. We must let go of our ego in marriage. Humility is not always about apologizing, sometimes it is as simple as admitting our partner is right. When an apology is necessary try these steps:
1) acknowledge your mistake
2) express empathy and have compassion
3) commit to change your behavior
4) express desire to be forgiven
Here’s how we can apologize in a meaningful way:
“I’m sorry, I (state the hurtful behavior) . I know I hurt you and I understand how you could be angry/sad/hurt by my behavior. I promise to do my best to not repeat (state the hurtful behavior) . You mean so much to me and I don’t want to see you hurt like that again. I hope you can forgive me.”
(Also, check out the previous blog post on the Steps to an Authentic Apology.)
Use Intentional Touch
Yes, sex is important, but it’s not the only way you need to use intentional touch to improve your marriage. Touch is a small way to make someone feel loved that takes very little effort or time to extend the inaudible “I love you”. Try these simple non-verbal gestures:
hug/kiss before you leave the house without the other person
hold hands
give a quick shoulder rub or back scratch
Make Rules for Fighting
Just as we make rules for our children, we also need rules in our marriage. Rules for fighting eliminates the undue hurting of our spouse’s feelings and helps us to better communicate what is bothering us. These are rules my wife and I follow:
1) No name calling
2) No physicality
3) No throwing things
4) Never use the “D” word (DIVORCE)
5) No blaming
6) No bringing up old stuff that has already been hashed out
7) No cursing
8) Never say “Shut up”
Conclusion
These tips are just a few of many things that may lead to a more meaningful and intimate relationship with your partner. I encourage everyone to make an intentional effort to incorporate these tips into your daily lives.
Sometimes even these small steps are difficult. If you find yourself in this position, reach out to a counselor for help. At Harvest Counseling & Wellness, we approach couples counseling using many different techniques including Prepare and Enrich Premarital Counseling, Gottman Method, Motivational Interviewing, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Solution-Foused Brief Therapy, Christian Counseling, and more.
ARE YOU SEEKING HELP WITH IMPROVING YOUR MARRIAGE?
Harvest Counseling & Wellness is a mental health counseling practice in Argyle, Texas. We provide therapy for couples, individuals, and families who are struggling with issues related to anxiety, depression, abuse, and grief due to damaged relationships. Our office is located near Denton, Highland Village, Flower Mound, Lantana, Roanoke, and Justin. If you are looking for a therapist in Denton or surrounding areas, contact us today for a complimentary phone consultation, 940-294-7061.
