In suffering from codependency, our lives can become unmanageable, creating anxiety and depressive symptoms, which can lead to relational and other deeper issues.
By: Brad Cullum, MA, LPC, EMDR
Codependency isn’t just a clinical term I just throw around. It has been a part of my personal journey. As a counselor, I often recognized codependency in others, but never saw it in myself. Codependency is complex and symptoms can be easily ignored.
Through intense treatment and training, it was explained to me in simple terms, codependency is when my insides are affected by others’ outsides. “How simple!”, was my first thought. “That’s not me!”, was the second thought, “I mean, I’m a strong man”. “I don’t really care what others think, right?” On the contrary, codependency is not simple, but it was definitely me. I had to come to grips that many of my thoughts and struggles revolved around what others thought about me. I was so consumed with what others thought, I would ruminate and obsess to the point that I would show symptoms of anxiety. I was experiencing chest pains, stomach issues, weight loss, and in some instances, be paralyzed in fear. I never correlated my health and anxiety to my dependence on the thoughts of others.
WHAT IS CODEPENDENCY?
Codependency is an obsession of people, if you will. These obsessive qualities come in numerous forms: feelings are dependent on being liked by others, approval seeking, relieving others’ pain in order to have self-esteem, fear of rejection determines what you say and do, and putting values aside to be liked by others. These are just a few of many examples of how co-dependency enters our lives, and much of the time we do not realize to the extent that it has infiltrated our everyday.
Codependency presents as a loss of who we are, taking away self-trust, love, care, and our courage to be assertive. Many times these qualities are lost in early life when we are taught by caregivers or people of influence to attend to their needs instead of getting our own needs met. Individuals must perform in a way that gives others what they need and often foregoing what gives them a sense of belonging, identity, and what nurtures the soul. As a result, we come to realize that we are unable to perform consistently enough to give ourselves fulfillment and a sense of well-being. As we look to the outside to discover self-worth, we often find ourselves in a cycle of despair that involves self-doubt, perfectionism, depression, guilt, shame, lack of discernment, and poor boundaries, to name a few.
IDENTIFYING A CODEPENDENT
Codependents may resent those who refuse their help, they offer advice without being asked, attempt to gain favor by buying gifts, struggle to believe others are capable of caring for themselves, insist on telling people how they “should” feel, and/or use sex to get approval. Each of these are attempts to control others as the co-dependent seeks self-esteem and self-worth. They appear to be depended upon and in some instances a pillar of their family, but in reality they are dependent. They have all the appearances of being strong, but really feel helpless. Some codependents appear to be controlling, but really may be grasping for straws to not be controlled by others. And in some instances are controlled by substances.
NEXT STEPS
Seek counseling. As stated earlier, we often don’t see codependency in ourselves and if we do, we may not see all the behaviors we may be exhibiting. A counselor can help in recognizing problematic symptoms and behaviors, then help you determine what needs to change. When seeking a counselor for codependency, it may be helpful talk to a counselor skilled in Motivational Interviewing, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and trauma therapy. The combination of the therapies can be beneficial to codependents because clients often leave therapy feeling motivated, encouraged, and equipped with tools to help them work through defeating thoughts and setting boundaries. Trauma therapy helps further the healing process so clients can more clearly see the patterns in their behaviors in order to move forward.
Start learning about and using your feelings. There are eight basic feeling words that come with impairments and gifts. The impairments give an understanding of what happens when you do not use your feelings appropriately. And the gifts are what you receive as a result of using your feelings in emotionally mature ways. These eight feelings are: hurt, lonely, sad, anger, fear, shame, guilt, and glad. (See The Voice of the Heart: A Call to Full Living, by Chip Dodd for further reading.)
Read “Codependent No More”, by Melody Beattie. “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” In this book, Beattie goes into great detail in identifying the characteristics of codependency and the steps of how to stop being dependent—stop abandoning yourself for others.
Start practicing self-care. Self-care is about ending the theme of low self-worth—hating ourselves, hating the way we look, hating our thoughts, hating our actions, and always thinking something is wrong with us. Self-care comes in many different forms depending on the severity of your dependency and the depression that may come with it. Some need to start with personal hygiene or getting their home and work spaces organized and cleaned. Some need to learn to set a budget and stick to it. Self-care is NOT “retail therapy”—going out and running up charges on credit cards without thought of a budget. Self-care may be nurturing your body with healthy food and exercise. In some cases self-care includes setting boundaries with certain people in your life. Get to know yourself and fall in love with yourself—that’s self-care.
FINAL THOUGHTS
In suffering from codependency, our lives can become unmanageable, creating anxiety and depressive symptoms, which can lead to relational and other deeper issues. If you find yourself experiencing the patterns and characteristics that accompany codependency, it’s time to take a step toward rediscovery, learning to trust, love, and appropriately asserting your sense of ‘self’.
ARE YOU SEEKING HELP WITH CODEPENDENCY OR NEED MORE INFORMATION?
Brad Cullum is a Mental Health Counselor working in Argyle, Texas. He provides Motivational Interviewing, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and EMDR Trauma therapy for those struggling with issues related to codependency, anxiety, depression, trauma, and relationships. He is the Owner and Clinical Director of Harvest Counseling & Wellness. His office is located near Denton, Highland Village, Flower Mound, Lantana, Roanoke, and Justin. If you are looking for a therapist in the Denton area, contact him today for a complimentary phone consultation, 940-294-7061.
