Apologizing is hard. People often think the simple, “I’m sorry, please forgive me” is enough for a true apology. But an authentic, healthy apology is much more.
Apologies are important to relationships. They allow us to acknowledge what has gone wrong, letting others know you are aware of their pain. Secondly, they give us opportunity to display empathy and compassion that connects us with others. They help us to gain trust again. Lastly, it is vital that we change the behavior that caused the need for forgiveness. The display/attempt to change our behavior shows commitment to the relationship and willingness to make changes that help strengthen the relationship.
So what does an authentic, healthy apology look like?
Acknowledgement:
The first step of an apology is awareness of your wrongdoing and actually articulating how your actions were hurtful to the other person (intentionally or unintentionally). Be clear on the impact of your actions. These common sentiments do not work: “I apologize if I hurt you”; “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt”; or “I’m sorry I offended you”. Instead with humility, acknowledge your mistake.
Empathy & Compassion:
The next step is understanding how the other person feels, knowing/understanding what they went through from their point of view. Simply expressing empathy and having compassion is the hard part sometimes. We want the person to understand and accept our reasons for why we are right in the situation, that we were justified in the way we acted. This is often the place where we start making excuses and using that nasty word, “BUT”. We want to be right and we want the other person to see how right we are. When we get caught up in this thought process, we miss the valuable step of showing empathy to this person. For example, “I know what I said was hurtful, I’d be angry and hurt too”.
Commitment to Change:
The third step to a proper apology is the commitment to change your behavior. Explaining how you want to change in the future, so you will not repeat this same behavior goes a long way. As humans, we know that people are going to mess up again and again, but the apology becomes much more sincere when we explain how we are committed to act differently in the future.
Final Thoughts:
You may recall your mother or elementary teacher coaching you through an apology by urging you to say, “Please forgive me”. Sure, this often works well on the school playground, but it does not always work for instances of deep betrayal, or adult issues. While it seems nice or appropriate to ask for forgiveness, there’s a better option for this sentiment.
People often say “please forgive me” to make themselves feel better more instantaneously or to end the confrontation more quickly. But in reality, when you ask someone to forgive you, you are putting them on the spot to process and accept the apology right then. Most of us need time to actually think through what was just said during the apology, then decide for ourselves on how we want to move forward. When we are pressured to deny or accept an apology, the sincerity of the answer may be lacking. One will either say ‘no’, which they may not mean, or say ‘yes’, which they may mean even less. Sometimes people need time to work through their own emotions before forgiveness can be sincere.
So instead, a more appropriate thing to say is, “I hope you can forgive me.” This allows the person to process and respond in their own way and time without your audience. Because ultimately the forgiveness is between the other person and God. By using the steps above, you have done your part. Now it’s up to the other person to do their part, which frankly doesn’t involve your participation any longer. So resist the temptation to control the outcome and let your behavior through love, kindness and honesty speak for you.
Here’s a great example of an apology:
“I’m sorry, I (state the hurtful behavior) . I know I hurt you and I understand how you could be angry/sad/hurt by my behavior. I promise to do my best to not repeat (state the hurtful behavior) . You mean so much to me and I don’t want to see you hurt like that again. I hope you can forgive me.”
ARE YOU SEEKING HELP WITH APOLOGIZING OR RECEIVING AN APOLOGY?
Harvest Counseling & Wellness is a mental health counseling practice in Argyle, Texas. We provide therapy for couples, individuals, and families who are struggling with issues related to anxiety, depression, abuse, and grief due to damaged relationships. Our office is located near Denton, Highland Village, Flower Mound, Lantana, Roanoke, and Justin. If you are looking for a therapist in Denton or surrounding areas, contact us today for a complimentary phone consultation, 940-294-7061.
