Also, know as “kid launching”, empty nesting (sending your adult kids off into the great big world) isn’t a formal psychiatric term, but it is a real thing. It can be sad, lonely and scary—but it can also be exciting and fun! Also, understand that empty nesting doesn’t just affect mothers, it can affect fathers as well. It’s important to feel supported, learn healthy coping skills, participate in self-care routines, and remember you are not alone.
Kids leaving home to go off to college, get married, or start their careers, can be frustrating and anxiety inducing for parents—causing real issues.
Here are some dangers that can come with empty nesting:
Experiencing a profound sense of loss. Not having the routine of taking care of your kiddo with morning school routines, sports activities, and driving them around to all their social engagements, can bring about that sense of loneliness and loss. Switch your frame of mind from “they don’t need me anymore” to “look at what we did, we raised an independent kid” and “now I have more time to take care of myself and do things I have been putting on the back burner”.
Depression. When the sadness and loneliness continues, long after you child has left home, it may be time to ask fro help. These are some of the symptoms some empty nesters experience:
feeling disconnected, exhausted, heavy
feeling empty, despondent, and dissociating when alone
intense fear of sharing your emotional side and true self
feeling of being at war with yourself
feeling unworthy of life
chronic fatigue or brain fog
difficulty feeling connected to others
faking it to make it
feeling like your are not ever or will never be wanted or needed
Alcoholism. Empty nesters can easily fall into a life of alcoholism due to over drinking because of that immense feeling of freedom or the deep feeling of loneliness—untreated depression. Finding yourself using alcohol, drugs, and even workaholism to manage the sensation of deep emptiness is a dangerous place to be.
Identity Crisis. Taking care of our kids for long extended periods of time can sometimes lead to us “losing ourselves”—forgetting who we actually are. Care-taking can cause a person to become someone they are not and even find themselves in relationship with people who don’t fulfill their needs. In some cases, empty nesters will find themselves in a place of feeling they don’t belong.
Marital Crisis. Couples may find themselves in a place of not-knowing their spouses as well. Years of care-taking kids and being in a state of letting their world revolve around the comings and goings of their children can cause a sense of imbalance in the marriage. One spouse may have felt unwanted and unloved while the kids were still at home, then when kids leave home the other spouse feels unwanted and unloved. Letting our lives revolve around our children can lead to anger, jealousy, resentment, loneliness, etc. Then, when the empty nest years come, couples don’t know how to move forward and past the damage that has already occurred.
Is empty nesting fast approaching?
Here are some things you might want to consider to make kid launching run a little more smoothly:
Be available, but not overbearing. Your kids are in the development stage of learning what true independence is. Learning how to do things and be on their own is a natural occurrence. And at the same time it is natural for parents to want to continue care-taking and help their kids be as successful as they know they can be. Over-helping can actually clip your little birds wings to a point they can’t fly and be as successful as they can be. Being overbearing and trying to force your kids to make decisions quickly or taking over tasks they can and need to handle on their own can strain your relationship with your child. There is great beauty in sitting back and witnessing your kids taking responsibility and ownership in “adulting”.
“To raise a child who is comfortable enough to leave you, means you have done your job. They are not ours to keep, but to teach how to soar on their own.”
Help organize important documents they will need. This is an important task that you and your kid can do together. Explain what each document is and why it is important. Encourage them to memorize their social security numbers and drivers license numbers. Show them how to organize their documents and how to keep them safe.
Teach them last minute life skills they missed. Did you teach them how to do their laundry? Clean the toilet? Cook? Change a tire? Teaching them basic skills will not only give them more confidence, but it will give you more peace of mind that they can survive without you.
Be intentional about the time you have left with them at home. Spend quality time with them. Learn to do things together without a to do list in mind. Learning to be together and enjoying each others company will make those visits back home even more meaningful.
Give yourself and your child grace when you get stressed or emotional. Remember that things aren’t just sad and stressful for you as the parent, but also sad and stressful for your kiddo. They will have lots of emotions, thoughts, and worries flowing through them during this time as they try to navigate decisions they are making about their future. Give them the time and space they need to process everything. And more importantly give them grace when they may be moody with you. This is a good time to also give yourself grace when emotions and stress elevates. It’s okay to cry and be sad. Find someone to talk to and know you are not alone.
Start a self-care routine. Exercising, journaling, and going to therapy are good ways to start a self-care routine. Self-care isn’t just about getting massages and taking bubble baths. This includes finding routines that feed your soul, give you personal inner peace and take care of your physical body.
Find new hobbies for yourself. Sometimes finding new hobbies can be incorporated into self-care routines. But find things to do that bring you joy. Try art, hiking, crafting, reading, writing, working on old cars—try something new, you might be surprised on what you find enjoyable these days.
Start looking for opportunities to volunteer. Serving others is one of the greatest gifts you can give others and it feeds your soul. Volunteering increases endorphins—reducing stress; increasing positive, relaxed feelings; increasing dopamine (natural pain reliever). Plus, it gives you the feeling that you are part of something greater than yourself.
Spend more time with your spouse now—before the kids leave home. Learn more about your spouse and reconnect now, so when the kid launching happens you have a strong support in each other.
The little birdies have flown the nest…now what?
It is the perfect time for you as parents to pursue your own interests and hobbies that have been put on the back burner. Go experience new things! Here are some ideas to help ease the pain and loneliness of your kids leaving home:
Join a gym or create a home gym
Redecorate
Join a club
Adopt a pet
Reconnect with your spouse and friends
Go back to school
Volunteer
Plan a vacation (Not to go see the kids at university, plan something for YOU!)
Shifting from parenting kids to parenting adult kids:
Making the shift from parenting kids to parenting adult kids can be a tricky line wot walk. The transition can sometimes be difficult, but look at it as taking on a guide role instead of a caretaker role. Think of it like this. When you take a tour on vacation, the tour guide can make suggestions of what to do or where not to go, but ultimately you choose whether or not you take their suggestions or heed their warnings. This is the new role you will be taking on with your ADULT kids.
Set boundaries. Call them before you visit. Ask them if it’s okay for you to stop by. Don’t expect them to promptly call or text you back.
“Letting go helps us to live in a more peaceful state of mind and helps restore our balance. It allows others to be responsible for themselves and for us to take our hands off situations that do not belong to us. This frees us from unnecessary stress.”
Practice open, mature communication. Try to understand their viewpoint. Approach conversations with curiosity by asking questions, listen without being “judgy”, and try not to fix things.
Offer help, but don’t take over. Part of being an adult is learning to take ownership of decisions and tasks. If you see your adult child is struggling, offer help but don’t take over. Remember your job isn’t to rescue and fix now.
Your opinions aren’t always welcome. Sometimes adult children just need a listening ear. Don’t jump to give your opinion. Ask them if they would like your opinion or help in a situation before assuming this is what they need.
Don’t take things personally. If you offer opinions, advice or help, remember your adult child may not be receptive to hear or take your advice. Allow them time and space to decide for themselves if they want to take your advice or help. Stay in your “adult” self and don’t take it personally if they decide to do the opposite of what you advised them to do.
Closing Points:
Yes, kid launching can be scary, sad, and lonely—but it can also be exciting and fun! To make the transition easier, keep these things in mind:
Acknowledge the sadness or loneliness, but focus on the success and the milestones you and your child have reached. Don’t sit in the sadness too long.
Help them find independence from you.
Let go of your need to control their success and choices.
Find your own independence before they leave home.
Find long-lasting relationships outside of your kids.
Learn to make the shift to being a parent to adult kids.
It’s time for you to have fun, really learn how to take care of yourself! Remember kid launching is a good thing and you are not alone!
ARE YOU SEEKING MENTAL HEALTH THERAPY FOR YOUR CHILD OR TEEN SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION OR ANXIETY?
Harvest Counseling & Wellness is a Mental Health Counseling Practice in Argyle, Texas. We provide therapy for children and teens starting at four years of age struggling with issues related to anxiety, depression, relationships, bullying, abuse, and grief. Our office is located near Denton, Highland Village, Flower Mound, Lantana, Roanoke, and Justin. If you are looking for a therapist in Denton or surrounding areas, contact us today for a complimentary phone consultation, 940-294-7061.
